Quick life update: I quit my job on New Year’s Day morning and have been dealing with some health issues, as well as my aforementioned sobriety struggle. I’ve dealt with prejudice from many avenues in my life–being gay, being an alcoholic, explaining to partners when I was involved in the HIV vaccine study through Vanderbilt (participants had to be HIV- and could only get tested through the programme for 10 years). I must say that being unemployed ranks towards the top of the list, which is funny to me since I very consciously made the decision to resign. I have learned the hard way in the last 22 days to keep my mouth shut rather than actually be honest; it turns out most people–whether they be interviewers, family, friends, etc.–quite frankly can’t handle the truth. Never in my life have I had as many blank expressions and awkward, “quasi-comforting” comebacks directed my way as I have in the last month. It’s a foreign concept to most people for someone to be so blatantly honest and unapologetic about taking some time for oneself to regroup, especially whilst simultaneously admitting one’s faults. We’re all conditioned to hide those–say, behind the closed doors of an AA meeting–and put on some fake mask showing our “best selves” to the majority of the world. I can’t help but laugh; the key word here is “fake.” I’m kinda done with faking it. Actually, I’m totally done.
“If they don’t like you for being yourself, be yourself even more.”
So I deleted my Facebook, and I’m not sure how often I’ll blog, but it does actually feel good to vent a bit. It feels good to be me, warts and all; to be honest with my struggles and where I am at this juncture in my life. If it makes anyone else uncomfortable, that’s their own issue, not mine. Hope everyone’s having a blissful, cozy winter.