“You can send me all the BS you want. I do care.”
Reading those words tonight in a live Facebook chat back and forth with Bob meant the world to me. I relapsed again the other day–one-day relapses seem to be my new go-to–and I messaged him some slightly inappropriate sentiments. I can’t say I regret them because they were true, but they were a direct product of the alcohol. So I I didn’t apologize; rather, I just admitted that they were out of line. Getting the above response back made me realize that having someone care is many times more important than having a hero, or someone to be in love with. Knowing someone cares enough to chat at 1:30AM means more than any grand, fairy tale gesture, because it’s real life. Real life is also relapsing yet again for no apparent reason, and being so scared to call your sponsor and tell him because you don’t want to hear yet another lecture about how this is all due to not getting to more AA meetings. I’m almost beginning to think the relapse happened because I was tired of hearing the lectures about how a relapse was going to happen due to just that (not getting to more meetings), but that, too, is BS. I didn’t drink and drive the other day, but I did get incredibly sick and had to come into work that night white as a ghost and not even able to hold down water for several hours without throwing up. The lesson has been re-learned again for now, and the hard way.
Real talk: I’m still trying so hard to fill some void in my life re: peace, joy, and happiness. I still feel like half the time that I’m losing my mind. It all scares me so bad. I’m now so stressed out about this silly AA picnic on Sunday up on Mount Charleston that I want to drink before I attend it, so I’m just going to skip it. I already requested Sunday night off and was planning on leaving for Palm Springs for a long weekend after the picnic, so I’ll go to church and then leave on my trip after a nap. Not a big deal; hundreds of people attend the picnic and I’m sure I won’t be missed. It’s not worth me going if I feel like I need to drink to get excited about it. Not to bad-mouth AA–and that’s really not what I’m doing–but as with any group of people, it’s not a perfect organization. We’re all human and we all have flaws. I’ve felt so incredibly pressured lately to get to more meetings and that if I don’t then surely I’ll drink again that…well, see the above paragraph. I certainly own the relapses, but I don’t think it helps to be told they’re going to happen if I don’t follow someone else’s plan to the T. If only going to one or two meetings a week works for me, why hassle me to get to more? It’s off-putting. [End of rant.]
Happy Friday the 13th,