Two weeks ago MTV released the alternate ending to Adam DiVello’s game changer ‘The Hills’. Even three years later and after pretty much the entire cast has done interviews since then about the show being staged and/or loosely scripted, the rabid fans eagerly awaited seeing what we knew to be the alternate ending. Lauren Conrad had not-so-secretly filmed a scene in Brody Jenner’s condo, posing as “the other girl” whom Brody had “chosen” over Kristin Cavallari. It was all fake and everyone knew it even by the time the show went off the air, but it was still fun to watch. And the dramatic hair flip reveal made the scene, as did LC’s
meh just gimme a paycheck already lacking acting.
After watching clips of Lohan’s interview with Oprah–that could be a separate blog and certainly doesn’t deserve to be at this point in my sobriety–I realized that just as Lohan admitted she’s addicted to chaos, I have to admit I’m addicted to drama. It’s one thing to watch ‘The Hills’ or ‘Nashville’ or ‘Dallas’ or ‘Dynasty’ or ‘Mad Men’ or–my gosh, is that all I watch on television is high dramas? But to realize the fever pitch of drama which took over my life in the first 90 days of my sobriety, I recognize I traded one addiction for another. In doing so, I dealt with so few of my internal issues. And I was riding the Topamax train–which I’m back on because it helps my mood–and that has a way of creating a whir in my head that keeps me from dealing with a lot of things. Granted, I can interchange the Topamax and the Campral, which I’m doing. The Topamax just gives me a high which the Campral doesn’t. Pair that with Diet Rockstar and sleep deprivation which I’ve been dealing with in the last couple of weeks, and it’s easy to stay distracted enough not to deal with many issues except the surface ones. I’ve caught myself wondering if I should just yank myself off both meds and dive into the Big Book and my Bible. But I type that as someone who went on a one-day relapse five days ago, and who very seriously thought about drinking nine hours ago before I attended an art gallery cocktail party. And I type all this without any emotion; in that respect, there’s no drama. There was no drama with the relapse the other day, and for that I’m grateful. I owned up to why I drank on Sunday, and I also own up to staying sober again. I told my psychologist I might start buying my own chips at the wholesale AA store now that I know where it is. Perhaps they’ll mean more to me if I purchase them myself, who knows.
A year ago yesterday is when I sobered up the first time here in Vegas. I’d been drinking all night here at work and was so scared to leave work for fear of getting a DUI that I went and sat in a hotel room and just cried and prayed. God spoke to me in that hotel room and I knew it was time to quit; nothing was worth feeling like I was losing my mind. A year later, I feel much more in control. I have days where I feel nuts, but overall I feel much more grounded because I’ve owned my problems and given them to God instead of trying to hold onto them like an ashamed little child. Only He has the power to keep me sober; I’m powerless over alcohol, and that’s a fact. That was proven the other day when I walked in that hotel room and saw the tiny bottle of Tito’s vodka which immediately had such a grip on me. As un-PC as this GIF is, it sums up how I felt when I saw that stupid little bottle:
All that being said, there’s no time like the present to write an alternate ending to my sobriety story. I don’t need to wait for a DUI or to lose my job or–heaven forbid–something worse than either of those things to stay the course. Whether or not another relapse happens further down the road, I know I can stay sober longer than three months or seven months, which have been my records thus far. As Natasha Bedingfield sang in the theme song for ‘The Hills’, “…the rest is still unwritten.”
BTW, here’s the link for the alternate ending of ‘The Hills’ if anyone’s interested: http://remotecontrol.mtv.com/2013/08/09/hills-alternate-ending-video/
Until next time,