I read the following in my church newsletter and it reminded me of one of the lessons I mistakenly thought I learned when I was five: Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Dear Lord, thank you for the start of another beautiful day. Please forgive my mistakes of the past and let me see this day for what it is: the first day of the rest of my life. I know that whatever time and talents I have on this earth are gifts from you. Help me to use my time wisely so that in some small way I make this world a happier place. Help me to use my talents wisely, so that in some small way I leave the world a better place. And Lord, as the temporary guardian of the possessions you have given me, guide me in sharing so that it will be said of me that I was a good and faithful steward. Amen.
This has been another frustrating week of trying to reconcile my thoughts and feelings into something that resembles sanity. To know that so much in my life–behaviours, outlooks, words, actions–needs to change has been giving my anxiety, anxiety! Wouldn’t this all be so much easier to deal with if I could just have a drink, I think from time to time. Then I laugh and realize that an alleged “one drink”=five drinks and would solve nothing, and that clearly such an alcoholic mindset is what compacted all my issues the last few years. Now they’re all being unpacked in hopes of sorting them out and it’s disgusting what’s being revealed to me, quite frankly. Shall I allow four GIFs of Salem the Robot Cat to illustrate how frustrated I feel with myself? (Obviously that was a rhetorical question and I’m dying to share these because they’re just that funny.)
I’m not a fan of the “One day at a time” cliche, but “Today is the first day of the rest of my life” has always been a favourite and one that I need to put to the test here and now. There’s no magic potion for undoing all the mistakes I’ve made, nor should one exist. Being sober means taking ownership of your past transgressions and moving forward with a positive mindset, in hopes you stay the course and don’t let history repeat itself. I read a statistic yesterday provided by Christopher Kennedy Lawford: “Addiction is the BIGGEST health crisis in the U.S. Cancer costs our nation 1/3 of what addiction costs us.” As harrowing as that stat is, it humbles me that I’m merely one of millions of people in this boat. But I have no intention of staying in the boat; I want to be free to swim away and get on with my life as a healthy, strong, sober individual. If Kim Richards can do it, so can I! (I will, however, stay addicted to the trainwreck that is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So glad it’s back.)
That’s all I’ve got this week; another light week of GIFs as a crutch for my scattered thoughts, but that’s about all I can manage these days. For anyone else who’s sobering up who might be reading, I want to assure you that it does get better. But–as the case has been for me–many times it gets much, much harder before it gets better. Stay sociable, get outside your comfort zone, get to AA (even when you don’t feel like it and can think of a million excuses not to go), and don’t beat yourself up too much. I’m pointing a finger at myself when I say that, believe me.